


Two States of Mind in Me

by illusionofcalm



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Banter, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Character studies, F/F, Gem War, Minor Original Character(s), One-Sided Pining Turned Mutual (eventually), POV Alternating, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, sort of a Bismuth backstory too with a few headcanons thrown in, time skipping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29673030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illusionofcalm/pseuds/illusionofcalm
Summary: Bismuth has always found Pearl absolutely fascinating since the very first day they met. Before long, Bismuth finds herself falling in love with her. Even after braving times of war and fighting through life’s many complications, her feelings remain unchanged.But their lives are complicated. There are small intricacies in the ways they view themselves and the world around them that set the two apart. Over five thousand years have passed by the time they reach a place where they are able to fully understand each other.It’s a story of fondness and friendship, tears and separation, love and heartbreak. It takes time, it takes work. But with each other, perhaps it’s possible.
Relationships: Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe), Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 5





	Two States of Mind in Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely a more experimental piece of writing than what I normally do, I hardly ever write in present tense. This fic will be (for the most part) Bismuth and Pearl centric, so there’s going be some rapid time-skipping going on later for obvious reasons. Hopefully the format isn’t too confusing!
> 
> And just a heads up, this chapter is way more action-oriented than any of the others will be, and for that reason it's the only chapter where the canon-typical violence tag actually applies. I'll continue to update the tags as the fic goes on to keep them relevant.

The Crystal Gems are something that Bismuth stumbled across on complete accident, but it would prove to be one of the greatest things that ever could have happened to her, in due time. She’s always had a rebellious streak locked away inside of her, and her assignment to Earth would become the catalyst for her realization of who she really wants to be.

Of course, she doesn’t see it coming at all. For the first couple dozen years that she’s on the planet, her life is absolutely standard. Earth’s surface is populated with many biological organisms, but it really is no different than any other Homeworld colony in the long run.

Word travels rather quickly on Earth, through rumors, murmurs. Bismuth overhears something about a rebel gem attack on Blue Diamond’s court, at the Sky Arena she’d built amongst her fellow bismuths. She can’t help but be intrigued by the idea of such a thing happening, even when so many of her Homeworld companions are shocked and horrified. Her life is so monotonous, so _boring_ , that it immediately captivates her, this mysterious rose quartz and renegade pearl.

Of course, the defective gems alone aren’t what shook up the Homeworld gems so badly. Defects are expected. There are protocols in place to deal with them. But apparently there was an appearance of a cross-gem fusion, too: a ruby and a sapphire, of all gems.

It sounds crazy, sure, but worthy of being labelled disgusting and wrong? _That seems a little presumptive_ , she thinks. She’s only ever seen fusions used for work purposes. Stars, she was convinced that those stuffy upper crusts couldn’t even fuse. As far as she knows, fusions are strictly functional, and that’s all there is to them. She doesn’t understand what could have possibly happened to cause this.

But Bismuth doesn’t get the chance to mull over it for very long before getting roped into plans to build a gatehouse at the Prime Kindergarten, in anticipation of future rebel gem skirmishes. She truly does love to build things, but not at the beck and call of her superiors. What business do they have in telling her what to do, anyway?

“I think it’d make more sense to make a plan to fight them off,” she grumbles aloud as she carries several steel-metal beams over her shoulder, towards the planned construction site. “What good is a fancy bunker gonna do for the rest of us if they attack?”

One of her fellow bismuths, 5XL, glances sideways at her. “We never build stuff for us, 5XZ. I don’t know what you’re on about.”

“What I’m saying is, don’t you think we should be ready in case the rebels show up?”

“Ready to do what, exactly?” 5XL stops, turning to face her, confusion wrinkling her face. A nearby amethyst has to duck to avoid getting swiped by the beam slung across her shoulder when she turns. “Fight? I hope you’re kidding, ‘cause that’s hilarious.”

As they’re holding up the line, a couple more bismuths walk past them, carrying a medium-sized crate between the two and snickering at the overheard conversation. It is, admittedly, a humorous mental image—bismuths are strong, but far from coordinated or graceful.

“No, I’m being—“

“What’s going on here?”

The intruding voice belongs to their supervisor, Moss Agate. The mottled green gem stands nearby with a raised chin and furrowed brow, narrowing her eyes at Bismuth.

“Nothin’, Moss Agate,” 5XL says quickly, saluting in front of her chest. “Just knocking some sense into 5XZ.”

Moss glares at both of them, unamused. “Get back to work, then! This needs to be finished post haste.” She makes her way past them, crossing her arms behind her for good measure.

With a tired sigh, Bismuth continues towards the construction site, following 5XL.

“You really should watch what you’re saying, 5XZ,” 5XL comments. There’s a sympathetic frown on her face. “You’re gonna get yourself in trouble.”

“Eh, whatever,” she says with a shrug. She’ll be plenty fine, keeping her thoughts to herself. She’s never felt like any of her fellow gems fully understand her.

The two of them are still quite far back from the rest of the group when chaos starts to unfold.

It turns out, Bismuth was right, in a couple of ways. The first being that the rebels were here, and they were here for a fight. Two of them landed lightly in the center of the clearing, the two she’d heard so much about. The rose quartz and the pearl. They’re really here.

The two of them are an usual sight, and Bismuth has no idea what to think. Evidently, no one does. The clearing goes still and silent, save for a couple startled gasps as dozens of pairs of eyes settle on the new arrivals. Bismuth freezes up, shocked silent. The beams she’s carrying slide off her shoulder and land on the ground with a loud thump, but no one pays any attention to the noise.

She’s encountered a couple of rose quartzes on this planet before, maybe a year ago. Their cut is considerably less common than amethysts, so their pink curly hair sticks out very noticeably among the sea of purples and grays. But she can’t recall ever having a negative experience with one of them. They’re a bit air-headed, sure, but are also generally well-meaning and good natured.

This one doesn’t seem so different, at a glance. She seems aware of just how much she sticks out from other gems. Her flowing white dress is incredibly eye-catching when set against the muddy Kindergarten walls. But her dark, serious gaze commands attention, authority. For a gem who doesn’t look like that much of a threat, her presence is immense.

And then there’s the pearl. Bismuth has caught passing glimpses of pearls before, maybe a few times at most as they stand off to the side or follow their owners around. It’s rare that a gem with enough status to own one is ever seen on Earth to begin with, but they do come by through the galaxy warp point every now and then. She’s never spoken to one before—it’s not really her place to—but from what she’s gathered, they seem quiet. Passive.

Perhaps that’s what’s so frightening about this one. Her features are still somewhat empty and robotic, but there’s fiery determination hiding within her icy, piercing gaze. It looks so foreign, for such silent intention to be so clear on a pearl’s face. For that reason, Bismuth can’t even hope to guess what might be going through her mind at this very moment. She’s considerably smaller than her accomplice, but just as intimidating.

Both of them are armed. The pearl has two swords, and the rose quartz has one. The renegade’s eyes lock onto the crate that’s just been set down next to the partially assembled gatehouse frame. But the rose quartz leans over and murmurs something to her, pulling her attention away and back to the small crowd that surrounds them.

Moss, absolutely enraged, stomps her feet into the dirt. “How did they know to—oh, never mind! Amethysts, _get them!_ ” She ducks behind the nearest bismuth to get herself out of the way.

There’s only maybe five or six amethysts close enough to the area to hear her order, which is quite the oversight on Moss’s part. Amethysts are capable fighters, but they too are a bit slow-moving, which proves to be an unfortunate weakness to have in this fight. The nearest two, after a beat of hesitation, rush forwards, reaching for their gems to summon their weapons. But they’re never afforded that chance, because the pearl has already launched herself at the pair, ducking through the middle with outstretched blades to cleave their physical forms in half and dissipate them into smoke.

The rose quartz joins by her side, and together the two of them face off against the gems attempting to put a stop to their siege. The third and fourth amethysts are taken out quickly, too, but the fifth keeps her distance, holding her summoned weapon—a flail—out towards the two of them. Bismuth quickly realizes that, had there been another amethyst or two, this would have been the perfect tactic to buy time for the right moment to strike them down. But the situation is quickly unraveling, and the rebel gems still have the upper hand.

Moss is growing increasingly distressed. She shoves the bismuth she’s hiding behind towards the construction site, shouting, “Get the cargo out of here! We can’t let them get ahold of those pulse bombs!” Her hand flies to her mouth immediately, giving the impression that she hadn’t meant to blurt that out. “ _I-I mean!!_ The perfectly normal and standard construction supplies!!”

That would be the second thing Bismuth was ultimately right about. They _had_ been preparing for an attack on the Kindergarten, she just hadn’t been permitted to know about it. But if she didn’t know about this, how did these rebel gems know? There was no possible way it was just a coincidence, right?

The last amethyst had fallen, and the rebels were now turned towards the bismuths crowded around the crate in an effort to move it as quickly as possible. _No!_ Bismuth wanted to scream, but she held her tongue. Her fellow gems might not have understood her very well—and likely never would—but she didn’t want them to get caught up in this mess, too. A couple of them had already started to flee in a panic, much to Moss’s chagrin.

But the rebels had their backs turned to Bismuth, not paying her any attention. She could end this and save everyone else. Her steps aren’t very light, but they don’t need to be. They don’t know she’s there. They don’t see her looming just behind them.

Her hand shifts into a semicircle blade, and—restraining the war cry that tries to escape her—she throws herself at them and brings her arm swinging down towards the rose quartz. She sees the movement in the corner of her eye, split seconds before contact will be made, and whirls around with wide, alarmed eyes. A flash of light fills the clearing and a heavy _CLANG!_ rings out in echoes.

The rose quartz has summoned her weapon, in a last ditch effort to save herself.

Well, it’s not a weapon at all, really. It’s a shield. A bright pink shield, with thorny decorative etchings in its semi-transparent surface. And Bismuth’s blade-hand is firmly wedged into its surface. It feels like the battle is put on a temporary suspension as everyone in the vicinity stares in complete shock and awe. Even the rebels seem absolutely taken aback. There’s practically stars in both of their eyes.

But the pearl’s wondrous stare is soon replaced with possessive rage for her attempted attack on the other gem. She ducks around the shield to lunge at Bismuth with a sword, apparently having lost the other somewhere earlier in combat. Bismuth manages to deflect it with a hammer-fist and yanks her other hand out of the shield, stumbling from the force of it. The pearl takes advantage of her uneasy footing and easily backs her into a corner, giving her nowhere to escape.

The fight has rapidly spiraled out of her favor. In the split second she has before her inevitable demise, she copies the pearl. Her right hand glows and shifts, taking the shape of a single-handed blade.

Oh, _stars_ , this is an awful idea. She doesn’t know how to sword fight! Why did she choose _this?!_

The pearl seems equally confused at first, but likely not for quite the same reasons. She quickly shakes her head and refocuses, studying Bismuth’s stance for a moment before swiping up at her. Bismuth uses her sword hand as her own form of a shield, interlocking the pearl’s blade with her own.

The smaller gem scowls, retreats, and tries again, this time swinging down and giving a frustrated yell. Their blades interlock again, above the pearl’s head. Bismuth sees an opening, and with her free hammer-fist, she swings at her opponent’s abdomen. The collision knocks the wind out of her and gives Bismuth enough opportunity to shove her to the ground. The battle cry that’s been lurking in the back of her throat finally escapes as she brings her sword-hand up high, preparing to strike downwards and end this.

The dramatic windup proves to be a mistake. The pearl recovers quickly and sweeps one of her long legs at Bismuth’s own, knocking her feet out from under her and sending her crashing to the ground, too. She lands roughly on her back, and in a matter of seconds, the renegade is standing on top of her, her sword pointed directly at the gem on her chest. The fight is over.

Bismuth stiffens immediately as fear overtakes her mind, and her hands shift back to normal as she lightly raises them in a silent plea for mercy. The pearl watches her curiously, intently, not moving an inch.

“Pearl!” The rose quartz calls out. “We need to go!”

At the call of her accomplice, she spares one last unreadable glance at Bismuth before springing off of her and chasing after the other rebel.

Bismuth manages to regain her composure and scramble upright in time to see the pearl dissolve the _entire crate_ into her gem, but with some serious effort. She staggers immediately once it disappears, a bit dazed and overwhelmed. The rose quartz notices this and picks her up, holding her in her arms as she leaps away and they both disappear over the top of the canyon. Those that remain standing in the clearing are staring amongst each other, completely shaken by the suddenness of the attack. It looks as if the other bismuths knew better and fled from the crate once the rebels approached it. Bismuth exhales, absolutely exhausted, but also relieved that none of them got hurt.

But she isn’t given even a second of reprieve before Moss storms over to her in a huff, clenching her fists. “5XZ, what was _that?!_ ” Her voice is pitched up, like she can’t decide if she’s angry or panicking. Perhaps she’s both.

“I was just trying to—“

Moss grabs at her uniform’s collar and yanks her forwards, close to her face. “You don’t get to _try_ anything! You’re here to do your job! I’m here to do _my_ job!”

“They attacked us!” Bismuth shouts. “I couldn’t just stand there—“

“You broke protocol is what you did! We have amethysts to deal with this exact situation. Not bismuths! Not you!”

“Yeah, and look at how well that worked,” she scoffs under her breath, looking away.

“Ex _cuse_ me?”

“I’m not just gonna sit around and wait for people to get hurt,” she says, meeting her accusatory gaze with narrowed eyes.

Moss hesitates for a moment, before a displeased scowl crawls across her face and she throws Bismuth back to the ground, taking a step back. “I can’t believe one of my best bismuths turned out to be defective,” she laments, and she sounds genuinely upset for herself.

“What? No! I’m not a defect!” Bismuth shouts at her, growing increasingly alarmed by the second. She can’t be defective! She was just trying to do the right thing! But Moss will have her taken her away, and she’ll never get to make or build anything else, not ever again.

“I’ll have to report your insolence later,” Moss whines, turning away from her to look back at the partially assembled gatehouse. “Pink Diamond isn’t going to be pleased with me when she learns that this shipment was stol—“

Before Bismuth can even comprehend what she’s done, she’s taken a swipe at Moss with a bladed hand. The agate lets out a wail of terror as her form collapses and her speckled gem clatters to the ground. The bismuths are staring at her, horrified. Bismuth looks across each of their faces, looking for something, _anything_ to keep her grounded, but even 7XL can’t bear to keep looking at her. She’s isolated herself from them, permanently. There’s nothing left for her here, not anymore.

So she takes off running. She sprints out of the Kindergarten, as fast as she can, out into the surrounding forest to disappear. She’s moving faster than she ever has in her life, convinced that if she stops for even a second, her actions will catch up with her and drag her away.

✧·ﾟ: *·ﾟ✧ ·ﾟ* :·ﾟ✧

When they’re finally sure that they are far enough from the Kindergarten to be in the clear, Rose and Pearl stop to rest in a small forest grotto. Rose sets her down, but she clings to her arm as she tries to regain her sense of balance, still feeling a bit shaky.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Rose frets, brushing a thumb over Pearl’s gem with concern.

“I’ll be fine,” Pearl nods, though she can’t suppress her wincing completely. ‘I just need a minute.”

It’s not the complete truth. Her head is _pounding_. She’s still working down from the adrenaline rush from such a close call, and shoving a crate into her head that’s wider than Rose is tall certainly hadn’t helped alleviate her stress. But she’ll be okay. They’d accomplished their mission with no real losses, and that ultimately makes her happy.

Rose is so happy, too. She sits down in the leaves and pulls Pearl down with her, earning a startled squawk from the smaller gem.

“I’m so glad it worked!” Rose cheers, wrapping her arms around Pearl in a tight hug. “If I can keep ordering resources around as Pink, and then we swoop in to grab them… oh, this is perfect! We’ll chase Homeworld off of this planet in no time at all!”

Pearl allows herself to be held, leaning into Rose’s gentle touch as she threads her fingers through her downy hair.

“Oh, Pearl. Thank you so much.” Rose rests her chin on the top of her head. “You did so well back there.”

Her face flushes blue in an instant, and she does a shy little laugh as she looks away, embarrassed by the praise. “W-well, you should give yourself credit, too. We wouldn’t have made it out of there if it weren’t for—“

A comedically loud gasp escapes her as she’s suddenly confronted with the memory. _The_ _shield!_ None of them had a full understanding of how summoned weapons worked, and it likely would be a long time before they had a solid grasp of it. Pearl has doubts that she’ll ever be able to do such a thing as a gem of her status, and Garnet’s situation is likely even more complicated. She was unsure if Rose’s status as a diamond would either help or inhibit the discovery of her own gem weapon—diamonds aren’t necessarily built for fighting, either, as powerful as they are. But it had finally happened to one of them, and to witness it firsthand in the heat of battle was fascinating! How in the world could she have forgotten about it already?

“Oh my _stars!_ ” Pearl practically squeals. “You summoned a weapon! Isn’t that incredible?”

“I can’t believe it either!!”

They’re both so giddy and delighted that they keep accidentally speaking over each other.

“And it’s so beautiful, too! how did you?—“

“I don’t know! I have no idea—“

“Garnet’s going to be so excited—“

“I know!! I can’t wait to tell her everything!”

They stay that way for a while, laughing in each other’s arms. It’s the moments like these that remind her of what she’s fighting for. She lets herself forget about the fighting that still needs to be done, or how much work it’s going to take to set themselves free of Homeworld’s influence. For just a little while, it doesn’t matter to her.

A distant rustling through the forest—not of an animal, but of something bigger, more frantic—interrupts their peaceful minute, setting both of them on high alert. They quickly get up on their feet, watching their surroundings carefully for any signs of an ambush. With a pained grimace, Pearl takes a sword out of her gem and leads both of them towards the noise. As quietly as they are able, they make their way through the thick foliage.

The source of the noise catches them both by surprise. The periwinkle-skinned bismuth from earlier is at the edge of a small creek, bracing herself against a tree and shuddering. She stumbles over the the water and kneels down, splashing her face with shaking hands.

It’s a bit… unexpected, to see her like this. She was the only gem who had posed much of a challenge to their excursion, and she faced off against Pearl with deadly confidence. It’s hard to picture that fiercely loyal warrior as this same trembling gem that is in front of them now.

After pausing for a few moments, Rose shimmies past Pearl and takes the lead, stepping out towards the gem. Only when they’re maybe a few feet from the other side of the creek does the stranger notice their presence and scramble backwards, still on the ground.

“No, please!” she wails, overcome with fear. “I don’t wanna fight you!”

“We’re not here to fight,” Rose says, keeping her voice calm and kind. It’s that type of de-escalating compassion that Pearl wishes she could emulate even half as successfully as Rose can. “You don’t have to be scared of us. Okay, Bismuth? We’re not going to hurt you.”

Bismuth is frozen in place. Her shoulders are drawn stiff with tension, and her uncertain gaze keeps jumping back and forth between the two of them.

Rose kneels down in front of her, frowning. “What are you doing all the way out here?”

Her eyes remain locked onto Pearl as she speaks, eyeing the sword in her hand. “I-I don’t have a life to go back to. They don’t want me anymore.”

An unspoken question travels between the two Crystal Gems. Rose is the one who voices it. “You’re the only gem who even got close to taking either of us down, and they threw you out immediately?”

Silence follows. She doesn’t need to say it; the answer is clear enough. Pearl feels compelled to make a remark on how good that is for their cause, but it doesn’t feel appropriate. This gem isn’t all that different from Garnet, she realizes. She’s done something outside of her role in gem society, and she was immediately cast out for it without a second thought. It’s no wonder that she’s so shaken up. Her entire life has been upheaved.

Looking to redirect the conversation, Rose tilts her head with interest. “What you did back there was very impressive.”

“How can you say that?” Bismuth asks, suspicious of her intentions. “I attacked you.”

“Well, for someone who’s not a fighter, you held your own against Pearl quite well.”

Both of them are looking at her now. “She’s not exactly a fighter, either,” Bismuth reminds them all.

Pearl can’t help but feel a bit offended, even if she knows what point Bismuth is trying to make by saying that. She’s not built for fighting in the same way that quartzes are, but she hasn’t and won’t let it stop her.

“I’m not supposed to be,” she says, finally speaking. “But I chose to learn.”

Rose smiles at her, proud. “On Earth, we can be anything we want to be,” she adds on, gesturing to the space around them.

Bismuth looks at Pearl for a second longer, and then Rose, before her focus drifts to the ground and she brings a hand up to her face, thinking. She’s still processing, but seems to be taking everything rather well, now that she’s calmed down somewhat.

“What do _you_ want to do, Bismuth?” Rose asks her with an inquisitive lilt to her voice.

“…I-I don’t really know. Nobody’s ever asked me that before.” Both of them can practically see the gears turning in her head as she tries to think about it. Pearl can sympathize with how she must be feeling in this moment. Even now, she’s struck with a similar pang of pride every time Rose asks her for her ideas or her input. It’s such a foreign and unusual feeling, to be treated as an equal—an _individual_ —but it’s a welcomed one, too. She’s so thrilled to be a part of the fight to create a world where every gem will be given that chance, to pave their own identity for themselves and choose who they want to spend it with.

Even if she’s still a slight bit skeptical of this new gem, it’s impossible not to grin back at Rose when her face lights up, elated. “Tell you what,” Rose says, turning back to Bismuth. She holds out her hand and offers to help her up. “Why don’t you come with us?”

Bismuth doesn’t flinch, but she still seems wary. “Do you really want that? After I almost got you guys killed?”

Rose laughs. “Oh, don’t worry about it. It happens.”

A smile tugs at the corner of the gem’s lip, and she shakes her head, chuckling, mumbling various forms of “what am I doing?” and “this is crazy” under her breath.

“If it will make you feel better,” Pearl chimes in, “I’ll put the sword away.”

Bismuth looks up at her. “Uh… yeah, I’d appreciate that.”

She raises the sword to her head, and in a flash of light, it’s back where it belongs, next to the rest. It doesn’t hurt nearly as bad this time, but she’s still plenty aware of the dangerous cargo she’s carrying around.

“You guys are some of the strangest gems I’ve ever met,” Bismuth mutters once the sword is gone, looking at them both. She doesn’t seem as uncomfortable as she was before—there’s some curiosity in her tone and posture that wasn’t there previously. “…Oh, what the heck. Sure.” She reaches out and takes Rose’s hand firmly. “I’m in.”

Excitedly, Rose pulls her up to stand. “You won’t regret it! We’re so glad to have you, Bismuth.”

She dips her head. “Thanks for the second chance, Rose Quartz—“

“Just Rose is fine!”

“Right. Thank you, Rose. And uh, it’s just Pearl, right?”

She nods. “Right.”

“Oh, I’m so happy to have you with us!” Rose is barely able to contain her enthusiasm, practically bouncing up and down. “Once we get back, we’ll have to introduce you to Garnet!”

“Is that the fusion I’ve heard so much about?”

“ _Whaaat?_ How do you know about her?”

“Stars, people won’t stop talking about her! Homeworld’s still so shaken up by what happened when Blue Diamond was here. You guys sure know how to drum up a crowd.”

“Oh, that’s excellent! This is all working out so well!” She meets Pearl’s gaze, grinning ear to ear. Pearl is delighted by the news, too—they were leaving exactly the kind of impact that Rose had hoped they would—but most of her thoughts are still preoccupied by their previous mission, which they still haven’t technically fulfilled.

She clears her throat. “I do hate to interrupt, but now that this is settled, we really should get going. Don’t you think so, Rose?”

“What?” Bismuth asks, raising an eyebrow. “You got somewhere to be, Renegade?” Her tone is lighthearted, like she’s trying to kid around.

It’s nice to see that she’s relaxed so quickly, but the nickname catches her a bit off guard. “No,” she replies swiftly, “but there _is_ a box of explosives inside my gem. I’d rather not keep it there any longer than I have to.”

“Oh. Right. I forgot about that.”

Rose takes both of them by hand and practically drags them along behind her, cheering in a sing-song voice, “Time to go home!” The party can’t help but laugh at her eagerness as they make their way through the trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are going to gradually get faster-paced in terms of plot progression as this fic goes on, this one just ended up kind of huge because I got really carried away with Bismuth’s origin story, haha.


End file.
